I don’t know what to do in situations like this. It’s 4 AM and I am stressed out of my mind. I’m writing on my new laptop now though so that’s really cool, but… I feel like my days are wasting away. I really need to work on physical things, I need to walk more and adventure more. I really need it because all I ever do is eat a concerning amount of ice cream and I need someone to help keep me from freaking out about that. I want my body to feel and be good and not just waste away, but I can’t even keep my hairs in my head. The strands say a lot about me…The length, which reminds us all of when Ally helped me chop it off staggeringly. On the bottom you can see my layers of permanent hair dye then a bunch of hair glazes, making it not fully dark brown but it also fades it’s way slowly up until you reach the first inch or two of the hair, where my natural color resides. It’s kinda nearly blonde, but it’s brown, but you can see how the multi-colored strands as they fall to the floor and fall out of my ponytail and down the drain and I just… I want to get back into taking better care of myself. I hope I can. I need to plan it.
But for now… I wanna get my priorities straight. My health is my imperative priority, my girlfriend in my TOP/main priority, but we can’t forget about my blogging, fashion, and modeling. You know, like all that jazz.
I feel so useless though. I really shouldn’t because of course I’m not! But I have problems like sleep and food and if i cant even get those right then how will I survive?
I do everything wrong as I attempt to be perfect.
Can you even see how sad it is for a cherry to never blossom into a flower that we all love? How can’t I know the secrets of the unsaid if I’ve said them? I only know how to ask questions.
The human brain is beyond your grasp. It’s so far gone that I didn’t even get a postcard. So in the wake of devastation, we find that some things are getting worse. Well, yes…. But things are also getting better. At least for me.
Just lost all my motivation to write. But I’m going to lay down a few more beats of my heart. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I wake up tomorrow because I thiunk I’ll be sleeping all day.
What is this writing? Why can’t I write like Ally? It’s a stupid question because I already know the answer. Writing is something that Ivy was born to do and Ally sure as hell is going to implicate that into everything throughout her life. And she does. She writes the most amazing songs ever, and I am in love with this girl. Sometimes I don’t have motivation for words, but who cares? ALLY is alive. I need you to read this.
…as I ponder on the future to face
the air turns icy cold and all of my thoughts start to race
then came the snow
the wind was blowing me away
please don’t let go
that’s all I heard as my numb hands lost their place
It’s my job in life to give all the love I could ever possibly create into Ivy Katherine Green & Alexandra Marie Devon Smith…(Kraykovic). Come on baby don’t you cry, Glass Animals run amok as the coyotes run and the glass pipes break. Don’t you worry I can take care of the coyotes by showing them you’re BEAUTIFUL Run demo then sweep up the pieces of the pipe and gaze at our new one as if it were our new child. In a way it is. But the way you make me feel is similar how it makes Ariana feel, but she’s gotta back off because you gotta give it to me “Everyday, everyday, everyday,” kinda like her song. Hahaha. I laughed so hard with you the other day. I cried with you. I bawled in the car worried about you waiting for you. I looked at you and I cried and in that moment all I NEEDed was for you to see the love in my eyes and see that it’s for you and see that my brain is wrapping itself around you and everything I do is just an overwhelming love sensation where I throw myself everywhere trying to get you to feel okay. You can take care of yourself so if I’m “fucked or something then [I’ll] take a hike” meaning I only wanna be with you if you are as madly in love with me as I am with you. Ain’t nobody gonna touch that, baby.
Maybe you are/maybe you’re not a better writer than me, but honestly, it doesn’t matter. I want us to do what we love, so I’m not gonna compare us or even make any deal out of anything. Writing and feelings are all byproducts of the love and hurt you feel, and even if you feel pain that’s hot as the sun I really hope you still see the mental passion and clever shit I say to you trying to get a smile, or the emotional help stuff where I remind you that I’m there for you and I hug you as long as you want, or hold you and kiss your supple beautiful skin and while looking into your eyes I need to find some words that can explain you but while I think about how…precious your body (and mind and soul are) and I want my touch to be gentle, I want to move your hair out of you face just so I can make a goofy face and not have the hair over your eye prevent you from seeing that damn good face. No but baby, I want to be gentle. I want to be sensual. I want to apprecite your mind, youer fight, your emotions, and my very favorite part of existence is when you bare yourself to me with a decadent atmosphere to surround the pool of raw…the energy and the love of two bodies. The way it descends into so much when just a second ago it was me breathing next to you. The times where I’m allowed to see you in a vulnerable place is…my most favorite priviledge. I will lay on my bed, holding your arm, talking about anything for years and I never would ever get tired. But somedays I do get pretty exhausted after we hangout (;
Hahaha. I’m just an 18 year old girl who somehow fell in love with this amazing 16 (almost 17) year old girl. Despite everything, this is now…this is us. This is where we’ll stay.
Anyway, when I get extremely stressed and overwhelmed, I instantly start thinking all about Ally. Because just by doing that, I calmed myself down again. It’s annoying to be wide awake at 5 AM, but I don’t have to worry about that. I don’t want to worry. I just wanna enjoy the fact that my baby is getting some sleep right now, and I’ve made complete peace with the world. Well… Not complete peace. I need sleep.
I wonder how long it’ll take me. Sigh.
I’m not Ally! I don’t have her talents. But I have a brain that is totally enamored with everything she does. Ally, I love you so much, and all I wanna do is help make all your wishes come true… I wanna keep you safe. Maybe that’s crazy for a teenager to say, maybe it’s crazy for a teenager to be SO invested in your health while also still working diligantly on mine, maybe it’s crazy for a teenager to know another soul at all on any level but…I’m gonna show you crazy!
I love you to a degree that hurts. In the BEST way. I don’t want a quick fix….I want your hand in mine and I want to look into your eyes and smile and…that’s where we begin yet another journey. I’m gonna show you 😉