For every faux pas, I shook my head at myself. With each second passing by with friends, I grew more anxious, more nervous. Sometimes I wouldn’t say anything because of it, or sometimes I could not stop talking at all out of nervousness. I looked at all these things and I tried hard to apologize for everything, but…
But then I realized, my true friends don’t care if I’m not perfect. My true friends don’t hate me because of the bad things I’ve done in the past. My real friends don’t hate me at all. Maybe one day they might be really annoyed with me, but as real friends, that doesn’t mean they’re going anywhere.
It wasn’t until I realized that they fucked up in life too sometimes that I finally decided I didn’t have to maintain some sort of perfect form around them. They have bad days, they do things people might consider bad, they might fight and argue and have to pick sides but at the end of the day they’re my friends, not just some people I want to have entertain me for a while. I see their flaws, and some people turn away when they see people’s flaws. But I’m not. Because I’m JUST AS flawed. So I adopted the forgiving nature they had for me since the day we really became friends, and I realized I don’t have to make a big deal if I don’t get my way. These are my friends, I talk to them and they know what I’m comfortable/uncomfortable with, and they’d never just push me into being self-destructive and wild. I think I really did end up on the safe side, the smart side, the right side. A giant mass of people loosely connected was divided into three parties: the right side, the left side, and the middle. I don’t mind friends being in the middle. But I’m just so grateful that I get to have the friends that are made of such quality, and I hope they know how much I love and appreciate them. It’s a big deal for me, it’s a big deal when people can defend me or support me or even just talk to me. I don’t need them to constantly be hitting me up just to know that they’re a friend, because they’re there, the second I need them. They’re there the minute I have something excited planned for us. They’re there when I tripped so hard for the first time, and they held my hands and looked into my eyes, and I can’t even begin to talk about how thankful I am for that. Like when Zoey offered me a monkey bracelet when I was freaking out…It suddenly made time stop and I felt okay. Because what I saw in front of me was the friends that for some reason weren’t even irritated with how I was freaking out… I’ve always said that shrooms bonded me with people, but shortly after the last trip I remember thinking “wow, I blew it, I ruined the streak I had going of constant giving and loving – I’ve freaked out, I made them feel bad, and it was horrible.” But then I talked to them the next day…They didn’t treat me any differently. They just said they were glad that I was okay. And now looking back, it truly did bond me to each of them. When I see them, I feel like I’ve got a safety blanket. Whenever we hangout, I’m not so anxious and nervous, at all really. Which is…insane, because I never thought I could be with people without my social anxiety on full blast. But with them it’s like they saw me with my bad trip and my skewed perspective and so now I just…Now I feel like they’re getting to know me better. They’re gaining an understanding of me and how I am and what I do, and it makes it so fun for all of us. It’s not someone being super submissive and letting everyone control her, it’s more like… We communicate. We talk, as people. We don’t do things unless everyone is down for it. We don’t push anyone anywhere. They’ve taught me so much. So much! All of them. It’s so beautiful to see this part of the world.
I don’t worry every second that they hate me just because they don’t reply. Because with these people, they’re real. They’re actually real. If they had a problem with me they would tell me. We have discussions together, we never gang up on any of us. I’m so incredibly blessed…What a beautiful life.
I feel safe, I feel secure. I feel supported and backed up. I feel confident and ready to move forward. I have so many plans for so many fun things. I just hope I can give as much to them as they give to me.
Okay I’m going to close with some happy thoughts of gratitude and shit. I am so grateful to be where I am today. I am so grateful to have come this far, with blogging and modeling and of course fashion….Being able to work with professional photographers, getting pointers from other peers in the business, and I’ve been figuring out what I really want to do with my life. Next stop, the Art Institute of Seattle to get my bachelors in Fashion Design & Marketing.
Obviously you should check out ishopfordays.com too.